Euphemisms are a big part of our lives whether we realize it or not. I played in the water of a beach once in Spain where the brochure advertised “Watch the ships pass through the straits!”. The beach was covered in oil blobs from the tankers that traveled just off the coast.
I traveled on a train through Europe once that was described as “Light and Bright”. That meant that one of the cars had a hole in the roof.
Once I looked at a motorcycle for sale that was advertised “Engine is strong and chassis needs some adjustments.” It has a cracked frame and needed extensive welding.
Life is full of sales pitches and word play to get our interest but nowhere is that more prevalent than in the world of Real Estate.
Here are some real estate euphemisms I have seen on the MLS over the years. It’s not a stretch to think they could be from our local market in Austin and Dripping Springs:
“Original Owner” Smells like moth balls. And cats. And something you can’t identify but you are pretty sure it might cause you to have an early death.
“Meticulously Cared For” Never updated. Owner is insane. Also smells like moth balls.
“Rustic Charm” Unsealed wood floors. Using a blowdryer may set the electrical on fire. Was last painted when people were still asking “What is a Hippie?”
“Vintage Charm” Ugly Wallpaper. Even uglier appliances and carpet.
“Retro Decor” Floors are Avocado-green. The appliances are Mustard-yellow. Bathroom is Pepto-pink.
“Country Living” 5 miles from everything. Smells like cows. Buzzards typically circle overhead.
“City Living” Used to be a warehouse.
“Loft Style” Still is a warehouse. Ladder is considered a “FIXTURE”.
“Interesting Layout” Yes because it’s very interesting when homes don’t make any structural sense. Must go through master closet to get into kitchen.
“Easy Access to Highway” Highway 290 is 24 feet away.
“Family Friendly” Screaming children, barking dogs, and nosy neighbors.
“Great Nightlife” You live next to a bar. Stock up on earplugs. Or Scotch.
“Architects Dream” Needs a full remodel to the studs.
“Galley Kitchen” A hallway with a sink.
“Efficient Kitchen” Hotplate and mini-fridge.
“Custom Cabinets” Hand painted cabinets with handles that look like rabid bunnies.
“European style cabinetry” Sellers discovered Ikea.
“Almost New” Lived in by a family of 12 with 3 dogs and 2 cats for only 18 months.
“Sunny Lot” Nearest tree is 4 blocks away.
“Private Yard” Backs to a train track.
“One of a Kind” No one in their right mind would design another house like this.
“Enchanting” Magic won’t cram a king-sized bed in there. Light fixtures only work part of the time.
“Charming” Tiny. Possibly creepy.
“Quaint” Tacky. May be condemned any day now.
“WOW” Bring a gun. Bullets if it says “Hurry! This one won’t last!”
“Needs TLC” Current owners have never owned a paint brush, lawn mower or vacuum.
“Needs Updating” Yes. Yes it most certainly does.
“Must See Inside” Because outside is just nasty.
“Gorgeous Landscaping” Inside is a nightmare.
“Must See to Believe” Seriously. You WON’T believe what you are seeing.
“Priced to Sell” Will sell for food. All the furniture can be bought for 10 cents on the dollar.
“Motivated Sellers” Will settle for a hug at this point.
“Make an offer today!” Just fork over what’s in your pockets and we’ll call it a day.
What euphemisms have you seen?